Yesterday was kind of an off day for me. I've noticed that my mood is closely linked to C and the same goes for him. So every now and again I get.... well annoyed.
Don't get me wrong C is a great guy. He's loving, attentive, generous and he is my best friend. I know he goes out of his way to talk to me with the little free time that he has. But sometimes I don't know if he realizes that I do the same. That I always keep my phone nearby and on instant messenger. That I try to stay near the house so that we can video chat. So I wonder how he is going to handle it when I start working full time again during the hours we usually chat.
So yesterday we were supposed to be "video chatting", but it felt as though I was doing most of the chatting and he was giving me occasional responses. Might I add that he was web surfing at the same time... So shortly after I told he I could talk to him later and he said "you sound disappointed". Of course I said no I'm not, even though I was. He said "we've talked a long time", it was maybe 20 minutes or so. We said our love yous and ended our chat.
Why was I disappointed? Because our last couple of combined instant messaging conversations before that were for maybe a total of 15 minutes with pauses included. Because I hate feeling as though I'm leading a conversation. It makes me not even want to talk in the first place. Of course I'm not going to ignore him, but maybe I just should not be as quick jump.
A few months ago C told me "babe we have to let things happen naturally", meaning that we shouldn't plan out when we could talk. At the time I was store manager during 4th quarter working 70 hour weeks. I tried to explain to him that I did not have a lot of time and that I really had to put forth effort so that we could talk, but he did not seem to get it. So... for the next week I let it happen "naturally" and we did not talk for five days. And he finally realized that maybe there should be more thought there.
I've learned to write emails that I never send to help me vent. Venting is an awesome tool! It helps me feel better and to get my thoughts together. It also provides me with the opportunity to censor myself. After I vent, if there is something still bothering me and I realize that its not me being delusional I bring it up in the form of an e-mail. It has worked wonders for us.
So I guess for the next few days I will let things happen naturally, if we talk we talk and if we don't we don't. So why am I clicking over to instant messaging to see if he is "available".
